My story 15. Lunatics - Solos Holidays - Five Pints - A Woman from Austria

  

Lambo was born on a full moon. The poor Lad was doomed from his first breath.

Wednesday 13th January 2021. 2359h: Along a Volcanic dust & hard bits track somewhere near Gran Tarejal, Fuertoventura. It’s a new moon and Lambo lays flat on the ground, blood trickling from his left knee and his dodgy left shoulder is throbbing. He has just fallen off his ‘new’ (secondhand 250 Euro) bike attempting to cycle home from a woman’s apartment. He did have lights but couldn’t see the edge of the road, so panicked and swerved. That was his story ...

Six hours earlier he cycles four miles into town, visits the Spar supermarket and two packs of nicotine juice, (for his vape kit) later, he takes a seat at the bar. He orders a pint, then another, two becomes three and all washed down with a pepperoni pizza. Pints four and five slip down easily. Helga is just lovely; Austrian; nearer size sixteen than fourteen, loves the sun, hates all sport but paints - her artwork, all for sale, covers the walls - she has lived here for twelve years and so far, – fourth meeting- not rejected Lambo's advances. “Hey luv do you have any Yorkshire in ya,” he bellows. “No I don’t Lambo” she replied, smiling, almost knowing what comes next. “would you like some then” he retorts. Oh dear; you can take Lambo out of Featherstone but you can’t take Featherstone out of Lambo. He can be such a prat. Pumping dance music leaves him with no option but to leap about. I disown him. Helga, also tipsy -and about to drive- seems impressed. He suggests a lift home, via her apartment (his bike in her boot, “the front wheel comes off” he claims) as she also claims to have a bag of home grown weed at home. Oh dear...

As far back as 400 B.C., physicians and philosophers blamed behavioural changes on the pull of the moon. The word “lunatic,” after all, came from the idea that changes in mental state were related to lunar cycles... ... Philosophers such as Aristotle and Pliny-the-Elder argued that the full moon induced insane individuals with bipolar disorder, by providing light during nights which would otherwise have been dark; and ... ... In Shakespeare’s “Othello,” the maid Emilia tells Othello that the moon has drawn too close to the Earth — and driven men insane... ... The idea that a full moon can stir up emotions, provoke bizarre behaviour... [Wikipedia]

Managing Lambo; when he is bipolar, a lunatic, totally manic or just depressed and hiding under the duvet, requires patience love and total understanding. Aligning his mood to moon cycles makes for an interesting read.

December 18th, 2020. Sofitel Hotel Gatwick Airport. Two days after the new waxing moon. Spring tides in nautical speak. Every day the sun, moon & earth alignment changes, every 28 days a new alignment begins with a New Moon. Each day this alignment creates a pressure on [all] water. That water also fills the Severn Estuary twice, everyday with trillions of gallons of water. It also empties the water twice per day. Each cycle lasts close on 23.5 hours meaning each day the peak of the cycle is almost one hour later. The human brain is composed of 73% water and this very same water pulls one way for six hours and then the other way for six hours. I hope you're still following? Good. Now imagine at the middle (New Moon) and the end 14 days later (Full Moon) of the month, the volume of water doubles or more. It’s the water that creates a Lunatic and Colin loves water, especially the sea [he can see it now]. And for any fellow Lunatics, or tidal nerds, the biggest effect is two days after the new and full moon. At its peak the Seven Estuary has up to 15 meters of water changing hands is six hours. It is the third highest in the world after two places in Canada. My home in Dorset is forty miles from the River Seven. I love tides, the sea, water and one day will sail the Oceans. “dream on Colin, you’re not fit enough”, Lambo has just said. He also like winding me up.

I make my way to Room 625. The lift has glass front overlooking a central atrium with bar restaurant, (only reopened five days earlier), and reception below. The atrium forms a circle, the left corner has an entrance leading to a suspended tube, a walkway, leading to Departures. The lift opens, I drag my trusty (over 20 years old) wheely briefcase, plus my new purple hold bag, into a disinfectant haze, along a new everything corridor, flick a card at 4306 and ... My bedroom is standard; USA size bed, bath, shower, white tiles and wood floors. Lambo, checks his email, sighs heavily and flops onto the bed.

It’s 1935h and still no ‘fit to fly’ certificate so we hit the bar. Lambo orders a pint of larger, Thai chicken curry. I order a glass of water. The larger is shite, flat, no fizz and still no email. Henry, the barman, proudly tells us it’s the first pint he has served in seven months having just, five days ago, returned from furlough. The pint was replaced but also rejected. 1955h and Lambo orders a bottle of Pino something, “what, £23.50”, I say, “Lambo you're mad and please be careful”. It’s 2116h “PING” as the email screams at us. Game on, we are ‘fit to fly’. We did finish the wine but were asleep by 2200h.

Fight leaves 0720h; I already have boarding pass but need to check in my hold bag. Alarm on 0545h, two minutes walk to check in. Oops; by 0600h the queue is daft long, an hour maybe. Lambo tries to walk through ‘fastrack’ but the dude nabs him. I say “but my plane leaves in one hour, no way does that queue work”. He shakes his head, tells me to go to the standard queue and speak to a steward. I walk to the edge of the queue-no steward, no one- except a bloke who got cross with me when he spotted Lambo’s sly ploy to sneak in. Oh dear. Lambo grabs the hold luggage (anyone would think Lambo had packed for three months and not one) darts back to fastrack and says to Javier Hernandez (name on his badge) “Yo Javier Hernandes good soccer player” in his head but actually said, “I have spoken with the kind lady in customer services [he points towards the queue] she said I should speak with you and explain my problem”. I limp a bit, show anxiety attack symptoms and then say, “The lady [pointing again] said I was a silly old man but Javier, nice man, will understand and let you through”.

Javier looked at me through squinted eyes, shakes his head from side to side and says, “go but don’t try that one again - Javier Hernandez good soccer player” looking as if he wanted to kick me off the pitch. Oh dear 23kg. The lady suggests I empty some, a lot, of my bag or pay EasyJet £32 for leaving the bag on the trolley. “What the fuck have you got in there” I mutter as handing over my card and punching some date into a machine. Scanning machine next, no need [as in weed] to be anxious, as I have got none. I stand watching my bag bumble along the belt, it stops; straight on is me, a left right shimmy goes to .... The place my bag went. My Kindle was inadvertently covered by a bag or something. I set free to repack half my luggage, have a wee, walk the walk and ...

Al Stewart, Year of the Cat, blasts through my headphones as the brakes are off and we head to the sky in an almost empty plane. Four hours of almost bliss. I complete a form for landing, arrive, hand over the form which is rejected. I am taken to a desk and asked to fill in a different form. Lambo points out the two forms are the same just different colours. “Please Lambo, just be quiet,...the man has a gun” I whisper to myself.

Elba Sarah Beach resort Fuertoventura, is a short taxi ride from the airport. Apparently there is a Solo’s Singles Holiday here for the next two weeks.

Throughout late November, early December Lambo was in touch, almost daily, with Lisa the Solo’s singles holiday specialist. She promised an all inclusive package, Elba Sarah Beach resort, with almost twenty booked already, of sun sand (nature blows the sand from the Sahara) and girls galore, all for £2,300. She explains the protocol for Covid testing and travelling at such a tricky time. Lisa enquires if I have traveled with Solo’s before. I say, “Yes, my friend Lambo has been with you twice before, the Opera in Verona and a dinghy sailing holiday to Minorca. He said both were funny and amusing but the Verona one involved him and a lovely lady switching hotels; something about the air conditioning not working, lunch by the pool and shaving cream!”. “Would you like me to hold you a place for 24 hours” she responds. “yes please” he replies. Lambo then decided to be clever; Bookings.com, offered the same accommodation for almost half the price, EasyJet had flights for £23 each way so he booked four weeks for the same price as Solos were charging for two. Solos also cancelled their package holiday four days before departure.

Phew that was close.

The beach resort was not an easy time, I leave in week three ... 

Om