Friday, 1 February 2019

Sex Drugs & Rugby. The early years

The Lad from Featherstone was a very confused little boy.


Sex part one
I am 8 years old, home is a council house, Featherstone, West Yorkshire.  A mining town (5 pits and ‘slag heap’ taller than the Eiffel tower) population of 15, 000, famous for its Rovers Rugby team which had won many honours against the giants of the game.  My father was captain of the team.  These guys were mean. They also took amphetamine, but that’s for later.
This particular evening my dad was ‘out’ doing what captains of rugby teams did then, and still do today, drinking and …
I was watching telly, my two younger brothers asleep.  My mother, heavily pregnant shouts. ‘Colin, quick, get the phone number from the mantelpiece, go next door (we didn’t have a phone) and call the midwife.  I am going into labour’.  I felt my heart beating in my chest for the first time ever, my knees felt weak and I couldn’t breathe.  I ran found a scrappy piece of paper and ran next door.  ‘Can I please use your phone my mum is having a baby’.   I dialled the number only the get the answer Yorkshire Imperial Metals, my dad’s factory.  My mum’s having a baby, sorry son I can’t help your dads not here.  Why the neighbours did nothing I do not know to this day.
Panic, home, my mother is now on the bed saying please help I need the midwife.  No other number.  The doctors.  Run.  I ran half a mile to the doctors, banged on the door and said ‘help my mother is having a baby.  A woman came back with me, no car we ran all the way back.  The woman said boil the kettle and wait outside the door.  I remember thinking this must all be my fault.
At approximately 10pm that evening my sister Mandy was born.  I think my dad came home about midnight.
Mandy died of breast cancer in her prime at 49. The anniversary of my sister’s death was yesterday. 
So I knew a bit about sex, vaginas and stuff. What happened next completed my early sex education.  
Sex Part two
The Baby sitter.
My first recollection of sexual arousal was at the age of 9.  New Year’s Eve, sister and brothers asleep, me feeling ill in my pyjamas on the sofa and the 16 year old babysitter opposite watching telly.   The babysitter decided to sit next to me on the sofa and asked if I would like to touch her breasts.  I felt my heart beating in my chest for the second time ever, my knees felt weak and I couldn’t breathe.  I touched her breasts.  She then asked me to lie on top of her and push up and down on her.  I still had my pyjamas on, and the feeling was something I had never experienced.  She touched me and I touched her.
I remember thinking this must all be my fault Guilt, Guilt Guilt, was the only emotion.  To get to my junior school meant walking past the senior school.  God what if she saw me.  I started walking to school an alternative way so I could not be seen.  I was scared, told no-one and at the same time was aware of this arousal and thought I was bad.
My Junior School
Gordon Street junior school was an old Victorian building on 4 floors with a playground surrounding it.  I used to run, play, slide on the ice and have fun.  Until I discovered sex.  Now I used to sneak pictures from the mail order books of woman in underwear into the school and show my mates.  The teacher caught me and told me I was sick and perverted.
A few nights later I found myself rubbing my penis on the curtains next to my bed and thought I was peeing myself.  My first ever orgasm, all over the curtains.  They went hard & sticky.  Guilt, this must be bad.  Trouble was I kept doing it.
My last two years in junior school were troubled.  The teachers seemed to pick on me.  I got two bollockings in assembly; one for having covered a girls head in Sellotape and the second for singing the morning hymn too loudly, when the headmaster, said to me “When I need a new horn for my car he’d come to me”.  At the age of ten I realised I could not sing.
I liked rugby and played in the street.  My dad was, after all, the local hero. One day walking home from school a lad walked up to me and tried to stab me while saying something about my dad. I sidestepped but he did cut my hand before running off. I jumped on a bus, went to Ponty hospital, five stitches and bus home. Just seemed normal.
Needless to say I failed my 11 plus and went to the secondary modern school next door.
Rugby Part 1 Secondary Modern School
On the first day the headmaster said just because we had not made the grammar school it did not mean good jobs were not available.  An apprentice should be the goal, learn a trade.
The secondary school had a rugby team but only for the second year and above.  I was in the first year but went along to training and found I got in the team.  Played 11 games & lost 11 games. Game twelve was against South Featherstone who were top of the league.  I had this idea that if I pretended to pass the ball and then didn’t (it’s called a dummy) and then ran like hell, it might work.  It did, we won 3-0 and when I left to go home I was beaten up.  My first beating.  The only bit I remember is lying in the side of the road crying.
The next day I went to see the headmaster and took my dad with me.  I said, ‘I don’t want to be in this school any more, I want to go to the Grammar School’.  He said ‘At the end of the year, the top three in the exams go to the Grammar School and re sits their exams.  If you pass you start in the first year at Grammar School, even though you will be second year age’.
That day I discovered schoolwork.  I came second in the exams.
Have a good week.
Lambo

Tuesday, 8 January 2019

Raw Onions Vinegar & Salt

Somewhere between the age of 7 and 12 I used to sneak off with a; Raw Onion, Vinegar and Salt.

Why I did it secretly I have no idea. Mainly my bedroom but in the fields sometimes.

I would peel the onion layer by layer, filling, break the layer in half (best I could) and fill it with malt vinegar and salt. Sip it then eat it. The feeling was like... amazing.

Does anyone have any idea what my body was craving, or more to the point why, did I do it in secret?

Time to restart the journey folks.

Lets say age 7 to 14.

Back soon.

Lambo

Friday, 23 March 2018

Rugby Injuries and Cannabis. Part 1


Did you know Holland & Barrett have made record profits on the back of selling good old weed?

CANNABIS oil is now available at high street health shop Holland & Barrett and sales have skyrocketed. The health store has become the first high street store to sell the product...”
By KATRINA TURRILL. Daily Express Thu, Feb 15, 2018

The Daily Mail concurred so it must be true! 

I have a dear old school friend called Slam. I will explain the name shortly, be patient. Many years ago Slam discovered (Amsterdam rugby 7’s) the amazing healing power of cannabis (oil or whatever) in dealing with pain relief resulting from rugby injuries. When touring Canada (Slam was at this point known as ‘The Flying Pig’) with Harlequins RFC the cannabis medicine was shared in the team bus.

Ok, why Slam? Apparently his dad, also known as Slam, bashed into folk on rugby pitch. He was brilliant at it, played at Wembley and captained Featherstone Rovers. So, when his son bashed into folk at school and played at Twickenham (He also played for St Helen's, that's for later) so they also called him Slam.

Anyway 10 years ago, cannabis was still considered a dangerous illegal drug but Slam decided to grow it as an alternative to taking Tramadol (opiate base and addictive) for his various rugby injuries.  Problem was Slam had no garden, but his dad did!

Dad was the 'dogs bollocks' of a gardener. Old Slam and wife lived in Pontefract (home of the famous liquorice cakes) in a bungalow with a small, but discrete, garden even though surrounded by the new 'posh' houses at the back.  Sort of folk who would go to Wentbridge House Hotel for, parties and stuff.

So Slam junior has the bigger job persuading his mum who thinks the police will be round 'cos she has read all about cannabis growing in The Pont & Cas Xpress (she starts collecting cuttings - honest) and she's not sure, but will give it a go. Old Slams grandchildren buy him the books.

Research is needed to find the best combination of CBD (Pain relief) and THC (loads of stuff) for rugby injuries.  Plus one that will grow outdoors Up North with not much light. 

Sensi Seeds Northern Lights is the winner.  Five seeds arrive by Royal Mail three days later.


Part 2 shortly.

Have a good weekend.

Lambo


Tuesday, 20 March 2018

Saturday, 17 March 2018

Men on Bicycles [MAMIL]

I first got the concept of men on bikes in:

http://colinlambert.blogspot.co.uk/2015/06/there-were-around-1900-tramadol.html

I walked to the Queens Arms, Corton Denham  earlier today to watch rugby, England v Ireland. A big 'all sorts of trophies' game. Ireland win.

Meanwhile Tom, Chris, James & Rinze (all with sore bums - base Chakra  to be precise) enter my gaze:

Please be patient..

Wednesday, 14 March 2018

MDMA


Best drug I know. £10 for a 2 1/2  hour fix. Buy on the door. It involved driving to Glastonbury town hall on a wet and rainy Monday evening.
My pension kicks in (I’m 65) 0n 29th April 2018.  It’s time to get high!
The drug is slow to kick in. It's hard but I'm told is called 'the second wind' and I have to be patient. Some young lad (and lass) are making me feel old. They fail to see I am ‘A Lad from Featherstone’ as I leap about, dance and dance and dance and start to feel very short of breath and then this pain down my arm! It’s hard, shaking, pain in my left arm worse, into my shoulder; oh dear what have you taken Colin Lambert (Lambo to his friends). A woman, in a frenzy, stares at me.  She is attractive. A young guy dances in front of me. He is also attractive, bouncing off the ground, arms above his head, chanting ‘I’m alive’.
The music’s good, pumping like and making my heart beat in rhythm with the music. I push on, the pain gets worse, I can’t breathe and then.....
I’m floating, I’m flying, I’m as light as a feather, can float, I’m alive.
And here I am 4 hours later still landing from the drug.
MDMA of course:
Magical Dance Magical Awareness
Or a 5 Rhythms workshop.
Good stuff.
Have you tried it?
Lambo has and it’s fab.

Tuesday, 13 March 2018

Ruby Wax

I'm just reading her new book; How To Be Human, The Manual[ ISB whatever].

Contains some fab lines:

" 'Eat, Pray, Love' would never have made the best seller list [in ancient times] as; Eat, Fuck Kill would have been a bigger hit".

Lets get human after all?

Lambo