Sunday, 16 February 2020

Are you a man? Have you ever felt abused? If so, please read.

My daughter Emily responds. It didn't go well!

My daughter Emily finally responds.  It didn’t go well. But she did say to publish our chat on here.

Sheila sat in her commode this morning, She then wanted a cup of tea, fruit tea.
She sat drinking her tea for a good 10 minutes. Blueberries and Kiwi fruit. Not being morphine'd out [Sheila is in no pain -other than being pissed off at dying sooner than she had planned!- that's for later] provide such beautiful glimpses that Sheila is still in charge. I lay her back into bed. Cover, its very warm in here, her with the duvet.  She promptly throws it off.  Just fab. Om Sheila.

Just after,  Emily replied on WhatsApp.
As some background, here is a bit about my divorce:
My ex-wife left me after three phone calls and a visit to my home, while I was away in London.
Call 1: ‘I’m leaving you’.
Call 2. One day later. ‘Why aren’t you at my door begging forgiveness.
Call 3. One further day later. ‘You fucking piece of shit, I really am leaving you.
One week later, I arrive home from London. I discover her underwear in my bed, Stiletto heels on the window ledge and her perfume drenching the house.
I was very unceremoniously dumped and divorced.
The bit that really saddens me is the untruth vitriol that still emanates from our children and her extended family.
The corporate line was ‘Colin Lambert has done such unspeakable things; we can’t even talk about it’! And that corporate line had continued ever since. Now please consider, for one moment, the impact that statement had on my mum and dad and my brothers. ‘He must have abused his children’, I heard more than once.
For the record, I have never abused; sexually, violently, verbally anyone in my life.  I did shout at a very upright smart gentleman who dismissed me when I asked him not to block my path, to the wood skip, at the recycling.  If I think of anymore, I will let you know.
I have never hit my children, locked them in cupboards or even shouted at them. I did once throw Chris’s gun out of the window on a skiing holiday. I also dropped in into the water in Lulworth Cove after he kept saying, ‘how can you guarantee my new auto-inflate life jackets work’. It worked. I did embarrass Emily by chasing her and tackling her at her school open day. Her mates said; ‘Can I have a dad like that’.
So, my children continue the corporate line. ‘You have done really bad things, you’re a criminal’. My ex wife's lawyers couldn't even find grounds for me ex to divorce me. In the end an oak door was placed on her bed cos she had been so distressed I had used it for my new growroom entrance, she had to go to bed. I unhinged it, carried it stairs and placed it on the bed, next to her.

Both my children were invited to my wedding. Emily responded, ‘Fuck off, I hate you’. Chris didn’t respond. One of my brothers, Mick, booked the Queens Arms and four days later cancelled and said they had another engagement. My other brother John, his wife Dianne being a friend of my ex-wife booked a skiing holiday to avoid his embarrassment.

After Emily’s response, Sheila sent this letter. No response.
I have resent the letter a dozen times over the past week, all with no response.
Long before last nights post on abuse about my former wife Kerry I had, not very tactfully at times (to her seedball business) but non the less sent to enough different people (six family member) in the hope someone would contact me. I wrote to my ex wife saying I am torn between not posting the history of abuse and feeling I have a duty to all men to post it. I said I was concerned of the outcome on my children.
I pleaded with one of them to contact me. No response:

You have done, dreadful, unspeakable thing and are a criminal is still the corporate line. Trouble is no-one, including me, seems to know what these dreadful things are. He ho
I posted, with a degree of sadness.  Have a taste and you will get the jist:

My then wife Kerry picks Emily, 8 months old, off the floor and throws her at the sofa, while screaming.  I contact doctor. Tavistock Clinic next, but my ex wife walked out.


Emily and I finally make contact. Toward the end Emily says; ‘you post that on facebook and your blog’. So, I am. It goes like this;

Colin to Emily:: I’m soo sorry to have posted what mum did to you … and me for thirty seven years.
‘As if anyone give a shit’. Wow, wow ,wow. We are in contact. Colin be careful what you say.
She then sent another message but deleted it before I saw it.
I say; ‘The Lawyer who thinks mum could go to jail, if I press charges’.
‘Are you going to press charges’.
‘Depends? Women’s Hour interview on Radio 4 wont help’. LOL
‘When is that on’.
‘Early days, I have a dying wife that’s far more important for now’ Anyway talking to lawyer and publisher.  Will all go away If I could see you and my Grandchildren. Lawyer also said I could go to court to get access to my Grandchildren’.
‘Don’t fucking threaten me’
‘Did you ever read the letter Sheila sent you?’
‘Nope never got it. But really don’t care’
 I respond to her earlier post; ‘Don’t fucking treat me like a criminal’
‘You are one’
‘You are threatening and harassing me’. ‘And Chris’
‘And we have awful things happen to us in our life’
‘Not by me’
’U don’t care about anyone but yourself’. ‘I hate you’. ‘U have no idea’. ‘U are a fucking psycho’.
 I say, ‘Lets go to court then and see who the abuser was’
‘Between you and me? What have I done? Why are you threatening me’
‘No, I will take Kerry to court and all will become clear’
‘Why would that help your relationship with your children. When your children are unhappy with things you done direct to them. Why are you threatening to go to court to see my children. How is that a good thing to say to your daughter’
‘I will send you Sheilas letter. Please, please read it and we can the start with a level playing field. I posted it on my blog and over 1,000 views and rising’
‘Are you going to post that on your blog. Level playing field?!!’
‘Emily this is the happiest day of my life. My daughter is in contact, read Sheila’s letter and you will see what I think about you.  Will go and send it. What’s the best email?’
‘I’m not in contact. I am asking you to stop contacting me stop threatening me and stop harassing me.  If you feel anyway like you care about me, you will do as I ask otherwise it’s obvious you don’t give a shit. You have and are making my life very difficult and I would like the pain you are causing to stop. You post that on your face book and blog’.
‘All i ask is to read her letter’. Tell me you have read it and I will go away. Have courage and read it’.

At this point I realised I could send a link in WhatsApp. I did and it landed.  Oh dear the steel wall that surrounds that family had been broke. The Eagle had landed.

‘Emily said.

‘Fuck you. Never ever, ever am I going to see you again. No.  Bye Dad’. I hear her pain. Om Emily.

I will respect the woman I love second to one only.  Sadly, but soon, she will become the woman (my little girl) who I love more than any other in the world. Of course I will respect her;

I will never contact her again.

My chest tightened, I couldn't breathe, fuck i'm having a heart attack. I sat with my phone, ready to text Charlie, my doctor. My heart felt like it was breaking, it was. No Colin,  it's a panic attack, just breathe.

Jude Levy and Howard Parker arrived at just that moment, for lunch.  I had cooked a Lamb casserole in the night and they brought the rest.  That was until Jude forgot ceramic floors and wine bottles don't like each other.  He ho.

I dumped my shit all over them. Howard gave me a shoulder massage, we discussed what a Jewish Princess really is. Cornelia had arrived earlier, so plenty of helpers to cuddle me and cry on.

Families, who would have them. I think Sheilas sister must have spoken to Emily cos they've  not been (since a small problem over her will) either.


Saturday, 15 February 2020

Sheilas teachings. No:1 Courage

The Goddess Sheila Gibbons has shown me:

Courage; Is not the absence of fear.

It's, feeling and embracing the fear, then proceeding.

In our short time together Shit was a common theme. On our first boat trip, leaving Queenborough (Sherness)  at 0400, Sheila shit the bed. She had come back from South America with a bug?

We were just on our third or fourth date. Any self respecting, upright, egotistical arsehole;  would have dumped her the minute I got home. I did, sort of but that had more to do with her Sister-in Law than Sheila.

I didn't, I cleaned up her shit and said; 'lets stay her till tomorrow, we don't need to leave at 4 am.

Anyone who knows Sheila knows what happened next...

We moored in St Katharine Docks six hours later and she totally shocked me by ordering a Tuna melt, I had a full English, in the cafe.

Loads more shit but it can go for now.

Anyway; Courage.

Embracing the fear;

When I first met Sheila, my divorce was raging.  I wrote letters to my Children, she said hold.  I wrote an entire submission to the courts, detailing the sexual abuse I had suffered during my marriage. She said 'hold for now, you will know when the time is right. It will take real courage to do that.

Mee Too

This is my submission to the court, never sent.  The Lawyers had threatened me with injunctions and the rest. The fear embraced me.

Om Sheila, thank you for showing me:

Courage in not the absence of fear:

Thank you my Goddess.

Chronology of physical and other abuse by Kerry Lambert towards Colin Lambert

Statement of Colin Lambert

28th February 2017

1. Met on Monday 1st September 1974 walking into a churchyard. The two PE teachers (the only two) at St Marks Comprehensive.
2. First ever date, November 5th 1975, Roslyn Park Rugby Club bonfire party and disco.  Can’t find Kerry for over an hour.  Discover her with her hands down Bob Mordell’s trousers and her tongue down his throat. Response; ‘well I am not your girlfriend yet’. So the dance began.
3. I was a sort of professional rugby player, England squad & Harlequins and having just arrived from Yorkshire.
4. At the end of our probationary year Kerry was promoted as my boss.  The whole school knew this was the headmaster being vindictive.  To stop me leaving Kerry paid me half of her salary increase.
5. We were both living separate lives and on one occasion bumped into each other (Kerry with mates – me with rugby mate) in the notorious singles bar ‘The loos Box Kensington.
6. Kerry left St Marks School and went to another school in Wembley.
7. I dog sat for Kerry parents as she went skiing with them for Xmas and New Year.  Kerry seemed to get sadistic thrill from telling me of her fling with a racing driver called Ken.  I am aware she saw him on a number of occasions after that.
8. We moved in together in 1978.  Shortly after, I was injured (Vitreous haemorrhage August 1978) and after ten days in hospital was flat bound for a further six weeks.
9. I discovered Kerry was also dating the PE teacher in the school she had moved to.
10. I proposed and we married four (should have been three but Kerry’s mother had another appointment) days later.
11. On making the decision to try for children we did a lot of soul searching tears and I had something of a breakdown.  I wanted to start life as parents without games and deceit. I remained faithful for 15 years from that point.
12. Our daughter Emily was born the following summer in 1981.
13. I had also quit teaching, enrolled at The College of Estate Management and began four years of exams and training to qualify as a chartered surveyor.  I qualified in 1985.
14. When our daughter Emily was 8 Months old, Kerry picked her up off the floor and threw her onto the sofa in a rage.  I told my doctor. We had counselling at the Tavistock Clinic London.  Emily came with us and crawled around the floor.
15. She fell out with the counsellors and we left.
16. My doctor then referred us to Jeremy Pfeffer , as a couple, for the first time.  We saw him as national health patients at the London Hospital in Mile End Road.
17. Kerry fell out with Jeremy and we withdrew. I saw Jeremy next 15 years later.
18. Kerry would have occasional outbursts of anger and when confronted would joke, ‘my mother smashed a lampshade on dads head, so stop complaining’.
19. Once qualified (1985) I worked my way up the corporate ladder and set up Lamberts Surveyors Ltd on 1st March 1987 and began trading on 1st December.
20. Kerry returned to University and three months after our son Chris was born he was put into North London (Poly) University crèche.  We also started a succession of nannies (21 in total over 13 years).  Kerry became totally obsessed with work and went back to full time work as a market researcher.  She worked 60 hour weeks and often evenings and weekends.
21. I respected Kerry’s decision to work but also rejected her suggestion that I give up work and become a house husband.
22. I saw Lamberts Surveyors as my safety and security. I was also developing Lambert properties and had combined the various interests to create the Lambert Group.
23. I complained to Kerry that life was not perfect.  Her response was ‘I am not your therapist, if you have a problem go and find one’
24. 1987, property market about to crash (black Wednesday) but we (my brother Michael ran Lamberts Construction) have just built a five bedroom house at the bottom of the garden.
25. We move into the house in September and by Xmas we are moved in, tree up and presents all around the tree.
a. Kerry decides we should go away for Xmas as she needs some sun!
b. We had a huge row but I gave in.
c. We end up on some last minute package deal to Tenerife.
d. Weather foul, cold, Emily has a fight and we come back miserable.
e. As taxi drops us at door, still haven’t opened any Xmas presents, we notice a light on!
26. We were burgled, house stripped, no tree or presents and shit all over the walls.
27. My fault for not installing a better security system.
28. We sold the property and moved to Radlet/Borhamwood and commuted (ThamesLink) to the office.  Kerry working as a market researcher.
29. Two years renting then move to Westhaugh Yorkshire.
30. By now we were living in Yorkshire (Property deal in 1990 recession) and my wife had found a full time job as a market researcher in Leeds.
31. Difficulties returned, I was working part time in London and staying at 302 Liverpool Rd, our offices.
32. Kerry’s behaviour started to become irrational and demanding.

a. I took Chris camping to Bridlington and after two nights in a tent we had Sunday lunch with my parents.  The phone rang.  Kerry was in a screaming rage (her computer had crashed) because I wasn’t back to fix the computer.  She had a report to complete. I drove home in tears. I am sure my son remembers.
b. Around the home I was treated like a servant and if I didn’t meet Kerry’s needs she would punish me by withdrawing from sex until I had apologised.
c. In December 199? After a drunken Chamber of Commerce Xmas dinner I had sex with the owner of a recruitment agency.  This was the first time I had been unfaithful since we had made the decision to have children.
d. I went home, told Kerry and said we needed help.  That evening she attacked me across a table (in a restaurant) pulling my hair and screaming.  She said I needed help.
e. She told her parents.  My mother-in-law telephoned my mother to say her son needed to be in a mental hospital.
f. I returned to seeing Jeremy and was prescribed Prozac on which I have remained (with some breaks) ever since on varying doses.   Jeremy has remained my psychiatrist (I last saw him in January this year) since.
33. Four weeks later my wife and I split and we were apart over Xmas.
34. Our children were on a school skiing trip.  My wife booked a package holiday to the same resort.  On New Year’s Day she telephoned me to say she had slept with her ski instructor.
35. I met Kerry at Manchester Airport and our stormy relationship continued.
36. However:
a. Kerry started to self abuse, stabbing herself with forks. Once in front of the children.
b. A few weeks later I was in bed for five days ill with flu. Kerry’s sister arrived; they promptly departed for three days.
c. I was isolated and ignored in my own home. I was threatened with knives.
d. Hair pulling, kicking and screaming become a weekly occurrence.  I was told, ‘because I had been unfaithful, I needed to feel shame, guilt and be grateful she hadn’t left me’.
37. Lamberts Surveyors was starting to grow.  I was commuting to London on a more regular basis.
a. One evening I noticed blood in my pee.  I went to the doctor the following morning and was referred to Humana Wellington Hospital.
b. Two weeks later I was operated on to remove a benign cyst.
c. My wife refused to come to London to assist so I sat alone in our London flat with a catheter down my leg for three days.
d. She insisted I came home the following weekend as it was Ackworth School (where both attended) open day.
e. I went to the open day but my stitches burst at the school and I spent the following week in bed.  I have had difficulty peeing ever since.
38. I spent more and more time in London.  My secretary, Margaret (ten years my senior, single living with her mum) put her arm around me and I cried.  We would do accounts after work two weekly and she gave me a lift to St Katherine Docks. We had a sexual relationship for six years but never spent a night together (maybe once at Xmas) in that time.
39. In an effort to spend more time together Kerry (I was back office) set up a market research business from home.  This was disastrous and we quickly fell out on top of which Kerry was working even longer hours.

40. Holiday to Club Med:
a. The night before the holiday we (living in London) went to Browns, Islington Green, dressed up, walked and tried to unwind before flying off to Sardinia the following morning.
b. Lovely evening, meal, BUT; Colin takes a chip from Kerry’s plate before being given permission:
c. Kerry explodes, stands up and lets the whole restaurant know I am an uncouth piece of shit.
d. Kerry walks out and the next time we communicate is to get our delightful (but not stupid) children on a plane.
e. Disastrous holiday.  My gut hurts writing this,
f. However, Chris did do an amazing Michael Jackson performance in front of 300 guests.
41. Kerry’s demanding nature led to two Nannies walking out, one screaming; you are the most selfish person I have ever met.

42. Our son had difficulties at school and saw a counsellor.
43. Concerts:
a. Paul McCartney & Wings;
i. Bought tickets months before concert and planned for it.
ii. Week before Kerry can’t go as work is more important.
iii. I take Emily and have a truly fantastic (Emily on my shoulders - we got to the front) time.
iv. However the whole event had a bitter taste.
b. Sting at Albert Hall.
i. Bought tickets months before concert and planned for it.
ii. Week before Kerry can’t go as work more important.
iii. I go with her friend Ruth as a favour to someone!
iv. The whole event was a piece of shit.

44. Our daughter completed her A levels and we had an opportunity to move and start afresh.

45. We moved to Dartmouth Devon in 1998.

46. I carried my wife over the threshold and we ‘took our vows’ to start again.

47. Dartmouth Sailing & 1st Around Britain
a. I purchased our first sailing boat (we had motor cruisers ) Toana in Palma Minorca and sailed her back to Dartmouth.  I enrolled for my Yachmaster Practical exam and this entailed an RYA examiner (David Libby) being onboard form a passage from Guernsey to Cork.  We stopped in the Scilly isles (St Marys) overnight to avoid fog.
b.   We delayed our departure hoping for the mist to clear further. And all went ashore for breakfast.
c. Kerry objected to a conversation I was having with my examiner and on returning to the boat did not take part in any of the safety briefings and on departure went into the forward berth and closed the door.
d. The exit passage was difficult and Kerry’s obvious un-involvement led to concern amongst the crew.  I made the decision to return to port.
e. We left the following morning.
f. Bits in between...
g. We rounded Flamborough Head.  My Mum had painted a bedsheet ‘well done Toana’ as we passed.  It was rough, force 7, but as westerly the fetch presented us with small waves and fast sailing. I remember feeling exhilarated by the sailing.
h. Mobile phones were banned so it came as a surprise when Kerry’s phone rang, just off Sizewell nuclear power station. Kerry was below and off watch.
i. Kerry’s mother (sort of child managing) informed her, our son Chris had been sent home from school.
j. Kerry demanded I leave the cockpit, come below, to have an urgent discussion about our son.  I declined and said we would make for the nearest port Harwich, where we could discuss further.
k. Kerry came onto the deck (without a life jacket or harness) and threatened to jump overboard unless I came below to talk to her.
l. With the help of paying clients (all can be contacted) we managed to get Kerry below decks and secure the hatch.
m. We made into Harwich and a local marina.  On tying up Kerry came onto the deck and again screamed at me whilst trying to jump into the water.
n. Again she was restrained by the crew and helped below.
o. She packed a bag and was escorted from the boat by the crew.
p. Our first ever Around Briton was never completed. It was abandoned in Harwich.

48. My Anal Fissure operation.
a. On the first around Britain I had developed an abscess to the side of my anus.  The abscess burst just after kerry leaving in Harwich.
b. The abscess kept returning and two years later (many daft antibiotics first) I was told an operation was needed  to surgically remove the fissure by inserting a steel wire clamp that would then be tightened over a three to six month period to pull it through the pelvic muscle.
c. A nasty painful op, especially for the first week after a ‘tightening’ but essential that the wound (I still had to shit) was cleaned, washed in a sterile environment for the first two weeks.
d. Operation booked (I was still working full time) and...
e. Kerry booked a two week holiday abroad with her mate Julie.
f. My mum and dad drove from Yorkshire to look after me.
g. I am told it’s good to cry.

49. Devon Sailing & Geoff Rawlings

a. I set up Devon Sailing and started winding down the involvement with Lamberts Surveyors Ltd. [LS]
b. Kerry took on the roll of Marketing Director for LS.
c. I was enjoying building the new business but often Kerry was in London whilst I was at sea.
d. Kerry completed the new company brochure for LS but the remaining directors disliked it, fell out with Kerry and I was left with the unenviable task of asking her to leave.
e. Kerry then worked full time for Devon Sailing but returning to London to see her mother on a regular basis.
f. I was faithful and enjoying my new found business.  In September 2002  we made an offer on Yacht Frangi of Dartmouth (at the time called Frangipani), Kerry and I flew to St Lucia, with our surveyor, exchanged contracts to purchase to the yacht with completion in January 2003.
g. On 31st December 3002 friends of ours Jeff Rollins* (* Jeff was a former friend- we skied together- I employed him and then had to sack him for being unfit to work.  This was the first time I had seen him as we had never spoken since the sacking. I saw it as a time for reconciliation) and Julie Tenant ** (**Julie had been my PA for ten years and had become a close friend of Kerry’s) arrived to stay for two nights.
h. Our son Chris was home and observed some of what followed.

i. We had drinks in town.
ii. We are changed (Dartmouth was whole town fancy dress) to go out for the evening.
iii. Jeff started laying out lines of coke on the kitchen table.
iv. This was the first time in my life I had ever seen coke.
v. Jeff rolled up a £20 note (my son Chris came in the kitchen around this point but Kerry took him upstairs), handed it to me and I took my first ever line of coke.
vi. We went to the Cherub pub.  Jeff continued to put lines of coke on the toilet lid for me. On one occasion I refused it and left the toilet.  Jeff was not aware so came downstairs with me.
vii. There was much commotion as someone reported the line of coke found in the toilets.
viii. We left the pub and walked to the Royal Castle hotel.
ix. Kerry became my coke dealer for the next three months whist continuing her affair with Jeff Rollins.

50. Antigua & Devon Sailing

a. My 50th birthday.  Antigua.  Life would appear to be perfect, Caribbean two yachts; Toana and newly acquired Frangi (her real name is Frangipani) fully booked for the trip back to Dartmouth.  I’m shit scared nervous (being in charge for first time) but also excited about my first west to east crossing, the scarier one.
b. Problem the day before as the first mate’s wife on Toana (who came to see him off) got drunk and shagged ‘Randy Randolph’ as my best friend Guy calls this dentist dude from the Scilly Isles.
c. Being in charge I somehow manage to get her (the wife) off to the airport and regain some calm.
d. It’s my birthday and we all walk to the beach bar to sing whatever.  I am sober and leave early as we have a 0900 start for three weeks at sea.
e. Kerry, Guy and the crew stay on which is fine.
f. At 4am I wake to find no Kerry.
g. I wake Guy to ask if he knows her whereabouts.
h. He mutters something about Randy Randolf.
i. I found her shortly after in a bar with Randy Randolf
j. I think I am a fucking good skipper as I got all my crew, including my wife, safely home.
k. Then I exploded.

51. Tantra festival.

a. At the Dartmouth Festival of Healing Arts a Tantra festival Kerry and I put on,  I did not go to bed until all the guests had checked in at the hotel and the evenings events had ended.
b. Kerry was angry.  At 2am she pulled the duvet off me, threw 2 pints of freezing cold water over me and then attacked me with the glass.
c. Kerry confirms this on a recording.

52. Staying with friends
a. Staying with Judith & Nicholas.  We went to stay for a weekend.
b. On the Saturday evening, after Kerry and Judith had retired, Nicholas began to confide in me that he may need to leave the family home as he had started a homosexual relationship with a man.  I was touched he trusted me enough to share this confidence.
c. At this point my Kerry burst into the kitchen, naked, and demanded I come to bed.
d. I asked her to leave us for a while, she refused.  We all retired to bed.
e. Once in bed my wife dug her nails into my arms causing deep wounds, there were blood stains on the bed. I may have shown these to Nicholas, I am not sure.

53. Threatening me with a knife in our home in Dartmouth. I called a violence helpline. On advice I called Dr Judith Samuel (see 52 above) who is also a clinical psychologist to talk to her.

54. Shortly after moving to Sherborne, Kerry objected to my chatting with a barmaid.  On returning home she attacked me after I came to bed and prevented me (may have been a knife or a glass) from leaving the bedroom.  I manage to free myself and dialled 999. I remained outside the house till they came and spoke with Kerry.

55. Hit with an Ash Tray.  I have a tooth missing where she hit me with an ash tray.

56. Hair pulled out.
57. Deep gashes (out of sight) where scratched with her nails
58. Driving:
a. on motorways:
i. If I was driving Kerry would scream, spit at me, and pull my hair.  I often had to pull to the side of the road as I suffered from panic attacks.
ii. If Kerry was driving she would drive at dangerously high speeds.  The more I begged her to slow down the faster she drove.
b. City Centres.  Similar to above but a high speed chase around Leeds City Centre is really scary.  I have on occasions jumped out and found another way home.
59. Goading me to hit her, but I have never hit another human being (other than as an 8 year old after being attacked with a knife)

60. Attacked in St Katherine Dock
Boat.  I was held at knife point in my cabin for over half and hour.  Despite pleading, begging Kerry continued screaming abuse and telling me if I moved off the bed she would kill me.   I had my work brief case close by and turned on my dictation machine.   (we both have a copy of the recording) Other boat owners could hear the shouting and asked Kerry to stop using abusive language.
61. Driving Dartmouth to Londonr:
i. We drove from Dartmouth to London to attend a Queen, Paul Rogers, concert  with Chris at the O2.
ii. On route to London.   Kerry is driving and I am preparing for a workshop I am running the following day.
iii. Kerry begins driving at speeds up to 130mph swerving between cars whilst screaming at me.
iv. The more I begged her to slow down the more dangerously she drove.
v. We checked into a hotel (Osborne Street –Brick Lane) more like a hostel.  Kerry complained and we moved to a better room.
vi. I went to shower and had a panic attack so sat on the floor knees raised doing abdominal breathing as I have been taught to do.
vii. Kerry proceeded to kick me whilst screaming ‘die you rancid piece of shit’.
viii. After a while, I regained composure and we caught a cab to the O2.
ix. Chris noticed I was not myself.  I said something but was dismissed as just being my wired, dope head self.
x. The energy was not good and we all left before the end.
xi. On returning to the hotel I was kicked, attacked, spat on and kept awake most of the night.
xii. I did not perform well at the workshop the following day.

62. Dartmouth Regatta Ball
a. Devon Sailing hard work but fun.
b. I had become Chairman of the RDCUG (River Dart Commercial Users Group incorporating the entire commercial, fishing (Dartmouth is the UK’s 2nd largest Crab landing port, after Bridlington) and leisure groups.
c. I was well known and, I believe, respected in town.
d. We meet with friends and go to the ‘Party in the Park’ at the start of the annual Regatta, the second largest in the UK after Cowes week.
e. I order drinks and am chatting to folk on the edge of the dancing area, pint in hand.
f. I reel as I am punched in the side of the face, my beer all over me and the floor.  I am punched again.  Then I hear screaming.
g. Two bouncers drag me across the entire tent, my left knackered shoulder in excruciating pain.
h. The great and good of Dartmouth are now staring at me as taken outsides to now be dragged off by the Police, who have been told I attacked my wife with a pint glass.
i. I am given a caution and told to go home and do not go into any other pub in town.
j. I go home, cry a lot and climb into bed.
k. Just after midnight the duvet is ripped off me and I am attacked again.

63. Barbican Plymouth. Dress code nightclub.
a. I say, as we are changing in Dartmouth (1 hour drive); ‘I’m not sure that complies with the dress code’. I am ignored.
b. On arrival at said club Kerry is refused entry as her outfit does not comply with said dress code.
c. We argue in the street, and after some hasty rearranging in the car Kerry is allowed back in to the club let in.
d. Not the best evening but we have a dance (no drugs of any kind –my end) and seem to unwind.
e. There is a flash as a fist pumps into my cheek and my hair is being pulled.
f. Two bouncers drag me downstairs making sure I am suitably (discreetly) kicked shit out of.
g. An hour later my wife walks out and asks to be taken home.
h. Not sure what happened the next day.

64. Kerry & Chris visit New York
a. Kerry emails from New York moaning Chris aged approximately 15 is being a pain, long hair, headphones on and head banging everywhere.
b. I get a call saying life is much better as just spent two days of coke filled sex with cousin John Glatt, whilst Chris was off skateboarding somewhere. 
c. I had got to know him when he lived with Cis & Laurie. Seemed an ok bloke.
d. On their return Kerry kept putting a book he wrote about River Pheonix on our bookshelf.
e. Games people play.

65. Second around Britain.
a. Kerry first mate and a full (7) boat onboard Frangi
b. We sail into Bridlington and meet my family.
c. We sail past Harwich and into the Solent, three days before the end.
d. Kerry is on the helm and gibes the boat by mistake, causing the boon to crash across the deck and panic ensued.
e. She lets go of the wheel and screams at me for five minutes until calmed down by the clients.
f. We end a day early as most of the guests had left.
g. I’m sure I got drunk that night.

66. Silent meditation retreat Croyden Hall Somerset
a. We undertook a 7 day silent workshop with fifty others.
b. Couples are warned of the additional difficulties this may present.
c. Day five, just after lunch, hot sunny day and all windows open with many sat on the lawn just below our bedroom.
d. After five minutes of Kerry screaming at me she calmed down.  I still stayed silent throughout, but the whole workshop energy had changed and been witnessed by all.
e. We did speak with the teachers but another event had been sabotaged.
f. I probably got drunk once home.

67. Emily in hospital Aberdeen suspected meningitis.
a. Only problem is we are taking Kerry’s mum (she is paying) on a grand tour of Somerset, Dartmoor and the rest.
i. I want to go to Scotland but there is resistence.  However:
ii. I drive to Dartmouth at 5am, collect my passport and make 0830 flight from Exeter to Aberdeen.
iii. I check my little girl is ok.
iv. I fly back to Exeter
v. I am attacked by my wife.

68. Rotterdam Hull Ferry
a. We had had a difficult weekend with my parents in Amsterdam.
b. We were homeward bound and on the way to the ferry we visit an old town.
c. Kerry wants to buy some shoes.  I say we really do have no money and soon we will not be able to pay the mortgage.
d. Kerry still wants to buy something, now my parents are starting to fall out and so I get us to the ferry terminal.
e. We check in and go to our overnight berths.
f. As the door closes I am attacked, kicking screaming, hair pulling and the rest.
g. I am aware I need to get to the exit door. As I make it my Dad comes into the room.
h. Kerry turns on my Dad screaming, spittle in his face as I escape.
i. The whole deck is now aware of a commotion and some are starting to run away.
j. Security arrives as Kerry walks nonchalantly along the corridor and away.
k. I had not consumed any alcohol for a number of weeks so went to the deck to have a cigarette.
l. I sat at a table, breathing and trying to take stock of the situation.
m. Kerry walks past, placing a large glass of white wine in front of me.
n. I didn’t drink it.

69. Miscellaneous
There were numerous incidences that could be added to the above list if required.

70. Being left
I was finally left by my wife over a series of three recorded telephone messages.
These recordings are available to the court.

1. In the first she says she is leaving me.
2. In the second she berates me for not turning up on her doorstep begging forgiveness.
3. In the third she is very angry but does say she didn’t intend to attack with the glass, See 51 above.

71. Kerry Stayed in the Kings Arms for two nights.  It is 5 minutes from here.  I discover it on the joint bank statement.  It’s creepy.

72. Kerry comes to Little Thatches and leaves underwear in my bed, stiletto heels on the widow ledge and her perfume everywhere.
I truly believe I have suffered many years of physical and emotional abuse by Kerry.  This includes constantly being made to feel guilty, shameful and responsible for Kerry’s actions.
It is only after many years of counselling that I am now able to see I was the abused and not the abuser.

Colin Lambert
24th February 2017

I still love the mother of my children but, enough is enough. Om

Please, for the sake of all abused men, share my post.



Sheila's not going home. Yet!

I am aware that many nerve endings of my Psyche were stretched before I posted live recordings of  possibly Sheilas, never say never with Sheila, last roar. Its troubled me all day.

Am I an egotistical 'hit' seeker on my blogger account? Possibly.

Do I feel I have a duty to share Sheilas words which, after all, was her voice to the Universe and not just me? Probably.

I still dance between the two. Om

However, I wish to share a song we sang together on the second recording last night. Its one of my all time favourites and part of my gym mix.

Sheila started it and I just continued.

Please sing along.

Being this close to death is a precious gift.


Sheila's Magic continues...

My sister Mandy.

Mandy's funeral was on 12th February 2011. See my post about her antic's.

Following the reception we retired to Premier Inn Castleford, for the night. My son Chris and my mum, Little Betty, sat together for breakfast.  He had a rash on his chest and showed it to Nanan, the name we all call her. Nanan made him promise to go to the hospital the next day, a Saturday.

We all said our goodbyes and we, my ex wife Kerry and I,  returned to our home in Dartmouth for the first time in months. I had a long bath, way too much alcohol and fell into a deep and dark sleep;  knowing Mandy's death had yet to impact!  As ever, I had been Mr organise, making stuff happen and keeping busy. No alcohol for almost 5 months.

I planned long walks along the rugged coastline.  We talked about walking the South West Coast path and finding a way to rekindle our faltering marriage. The need to process, scream, shout and let it all hang out, never felt stronger.

I woke about 1100, bloody sore head and remembered it was Sunday, Valentines day. Shower, coffee and down ninety seven steps into town. Somerfield supermarket for a card, flowers and a bottle of bubbly.

Climbing ninety seven steps for the second time, I had left my wallet at home, was not fun.

I hid the flowers in the kitchen, made a drink and headed upstairs to bed.  I had turned my mobile off as wanted no interruptions for days.  The house phone rang and kept ringing. Fuck, please go away. I picked up the phone, really quite angry:

 'Dad' was all Emily said. My world fell apart. Chris had 'Germ Cell Cancer', in his chest. Testicular cancer in his chest? Yes!

My son Chris was admitted to hospital on Monday morning, Charring Cross, London.  Given a beaker, a dodgy porn mag, sent to a cubical and told to sing 'Bread of Heaven'.  How it did it, I will never know.

Hospital five days, Chemo in and out twice a day. Seven days at home needing daily vitamin injections and back to Charring Cross for five more days. Overcrowded ward, screaming patiants and the rest.  My ex wife, Kerry, is now an Acupuncturist. She says the inspiration came from injecting her son.  Funny how the Universe works.

Six weeks later transferred to Hammersmith hospital. Rib-cage cut open down middle, greatly shrunken tumour removed, bit of heart and lungs, and big steel staples to put it all back together again.

We had stayed in Dartmouth for two days, it was another three months before we returned.

Chris is now happily married with two amazing Children of his own making.

When we finally arrived home in Dartmouth my marriage imploded.

Last night, after Sheila's anger, she started climbing over me to get out of bed.  She needed a wee and we made it to the commode, by the bed. Done, she sat on the side of the bed and put her hand out for water and pills.

We then sat holding hands for what seemed like an eternity. Sheila and I have often talked about Mandy. She would have loved her.

As we sat, my tears started uncontrollably. Sheila squeezed my hand.

At last,  I can truly process the death of my sister, Amanda Jane Rose [Lambert] aged 49.

Sheila's magic never ends.

She is sleeping today.


I woke about 1100 for a pee, ambled , wobbled, very sober but still dehydrated from warm room, all windows battened, storm raging. Along the stone floor, fire still in but only just. Long dribbles (waiting for a scan) and kettle on. House so warm, naked is good.

I shuffle to the lounge, my Achilles and prostate combined got me a new shiny Blue Badge last week.

I'm hallucinating!!!

The Buddha on the window ledge [cant spell cill] has exponentially grown into a life size one. Oh fuck, I stand bolt upright, in all my naked power.

Cornelia Fey, is sat meditating. She also conducted our wedding ceremony.

I sobbed, put some clothes on, then processed (dippy hippy speak for cry and shit) all over her for ages.

She saw my post at 0400 and was here for 0900. Om Cornelia Frey.  x

Friday, 14 February 2020

Little Betty, a Lass from Featherstone.

Little Betty is my mum.

She was rejected by her granddaughter and daughter-in law today.

She is now 87 but not slowed down one jot.

She would be here tomorrow if needed. I feel her pain but, also thank her for my love of dancing.

Om mum, I love you.

Sheila Mary Gibbons is preparing to leave us

Not without a fight!

Sheila and I spend our day together. Visitors come and go.  They will know Sheilas voice is weak and struggles to make a sentence.

We share a bedroom on the ground floor. The walls covered in Sheilas paintings. The're good.

For the past 18 months she has been converting the garage into a studio, in her words, 'to escape from me for a while'. Everyone needs a man or woman cave to survive any marriage.  Builder were builders and delays ensued. However there is now a bath, double ended, two loos (one en-suite)  and a boiler fully installed by her brother Tony Walters. After much research Sheila purchased a bed to fit her bedroom, a work of art (a bit like ships in the Panama Canal) with inches to spare. Hydraulics meant the whole bed lifter to reveal massive storage under.

Paul her 'other man' came for a day and stayed for a week.  We assembled (well he did) Sheilas bed (only 4'6" wide) in her newly finished yoga room, wood burning stove even.

Alongside it an  'all singing and dancing' electric bed with Hospice stamped all over it.

No guesses which bed he is in. So we still share her bed and I have become very adapt at sleeping on 18 inches of mattress and being surprised by nothing.

Sheila sat bolt upright this afternoon and started drinking and meditating. I new something was afoot.

Her doctor Charlie called in just after 1830, she waved at him but said nothing. I'm sat next door enjoying a log on the fire. I hear Sheila shouting with a voice I thought had long gone.  She was very angry with me and the world.

Yesterday, someone said my blog was 'rude and offensive and, he was reporting me'. I do respect his view as my blogs come from a place of raw emotion and I know I cannot please all.

What is below will be considered by some as:

Rude, disrespectful and offensive. How dare I record my wife at such a time.
The most beautiful words they have ever heard.
It a privileged to hear the most amazing woman, who judging by the messages, has touched the hearts of hundreds of woman and many men.
Beautiful to hear, what is probably, Sheilas last roar.

The goddess is preparing, I am preparing and ....

There is such a humorous, yet beautiful moment, and please forgive the slight editors cut;

I ask Sheila:

 'Are you in pain?'. A nanosecond later...

'Of course I'm in fucking pain, its not my time to leave yet!'

Ask any of Sheila's family and friends. They will immediately say; Sheila is always right. She is always right.

She wasn't ready to go. She knew when and had meticulously planed it. We were due to fly to LA tomorrow, visit friends, her ex husband karl and sail home on the Queen Victoria. Something got in the way, Mistletoe and syringes. 

I am very angry but am also aware it will not change the outcome. Om. The rest is for later.

Please do not press if you are easily offended or upset.