The Lambert Family - Part 3. Mr Stubborn.

 Slam Lambert November 2022.

I have a problem with my dad. He is stubborn.

Slam Lambert of Featherstone Rovers fame, (own Wiki page) is 92. He is the second most stubborn person I have ever met. The most stubborn was my wife Sheila, whom I also loved and respected for the same stubbornness.

He simply refuses to change; sometimes a glimpse but will then retreat three steps back. It does my head in whilst admiring him for being resolute and seeking understanding as to why change is needed. Bank, doctors, family and friends will all be smiling.

Today’s stubbornness is about, diet, nutrition, health & exercise. My problem is compounded by my being at the end of my CIMPSA Diploma and writing up my notes on diet, nutrition, health & exercise. The problem was exacerbated last night by Dad’s insistence I shouldn’t eat breakfast cereal for supper and my stupidity in giving him a bowl of ground nuts and hemp seeds with Cacao nibs (all from Holland & Barrett) which he couldn’t eat.

Out of exasperation I opened my old college notes from my foundation year at Regents College School of Psychotherapy & Counselling. Middle of Regents Park, amazing location and a very big lawn!

There it was:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

‘Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about these stages she explained that these are normal reactions we have to tragic news. [Dad qualifies] In fact she called them defence mechanisms or coping mechanisms that we need to move through in order to manage change. We don't move through the stages one at a time, in a neat, linear, step by step manner. That would be far too easy! What happens is that we occupy different stages at different times and can even move back to stages we have been in before. Kubler-Ross said the stages can last for different periods of time and will replace each other or exist side by side at times.

Ideally it would be good to think that we will reach the phase of 'Acceptance' while managing change but some people get stuck in the stages and find it difficult or impossible to move on.’ [https://www.change-management-coach.com/kubler-ross.html]

Not quite it?

Na, that wasn’t quite what I was looking for. Good stuff but It needed to be more change and timebound specific. 

Back to the depths of Dropbox….

Another lovely course [Family Mediators Association] and Mediator training. This time looking at the resistance to change model and timescale. My notes say:

5 STAGES OF CHANGE

There are five main stages of change – Dad and I fit the lot, sometimes all in the same day!

1. Precontemplation – In this stage, people do not intend to take action in the foreseeable future (defined as within the next 6 months). People are often unaware that their behaviour is problematic or produces negative consequences. People in this stage often underestimate the pros of changing behaviour and place too much emphasis on the cons of changing behaviour.
2. Contemplation – In this stage, people are intending to start the healthy behaviour in the foreseeable future (defined as within the next 6 months). People recognize that their behaviour may be problematic, and a more thoughtful and practical consideration of the pros and cons of changing the behaviour takes place, with equal emphasis placed on both. Even with this recognition, people may still feel ambivalent toward changing their behaviour.
3. Preparation – In this stage, people are ready to take action within the next 30 days. People start to take small steps toward the behaviour change, and they believe changing their behaviour can lead to a healthier life.
4. Action – In this stage, people have recently changed their behaviour (defined as within the last 6 months) and intend to keep moving forward with that behaviour change. People may exhibit this by modifying their problem behaviour or acquiring new healthy behaviours.
5. Maintenance – In this stage, people have sustained their behaviour change for a while (defined as more than 6 months) and intend to maintain the behaviour change going forward. People in this stage work to prevent relapse to earlier stages.

Not quite as easy as that, as the stages are also a game of Snakes & Ladders where a memory, old trigger pressed or just facing the prospect of change can send the person [I know it well] sliding down the ladder to relapse or ground zero and termination.

Returning to the academic stuff there is therefore Termination and Relapse to consider within the model.

• Termination – This is a theorised end-point rather than a stage and is not achievable for behaviours such as physical activity and healthy eating. A diet’s not just for January.
• Relapse – This is not considered a stage of change but describes the process of moving backwards in the model – typically only by one or two stages, although occasionally it can mean returning to pre-contemplation. I know relapse well.

Here the five stages of both models above interact. It is commonly accepted in both models share the same board in the game of Snakes and ladders.   Relapse is accepted as a normal part of the learning process, ‘What doesn’t destroy us makes us grow’ and for most individuals it takes four or five [I have stopped counting] serious attempts at changing a problem behaviour before the new, desired [I have some article saying 66 days] behaviour is maintained. This has important implications for setting realistic [Dad & me] expectations, dealing with setbacks and exploring what has been learned from past experiences.

And the point I am making is:

As an alternative to drinking a bottle of scotch, calling dad and ….

It’s sometimes good to run away from Dad [life], write down one's thoughts and feelings in a sensible, Yin, way, then post them here in a Yang way, to draw attention to myself (Ego-as my brother rightly states) but also draw attention to the stages that change needs to go through, in all humanity for that change to be effective and long lasting.

I also realise that change takes time, patience, love, forgiveness plus an outlet to scream and shout in whatever form is needed providing those actions harms no-one.

Mr Stubborn is also kind, considerate and loving so we are still enjoying ourselves most of the time. 

Om dad, you're doing great.

Have a good week.