The Plane Journey

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Lambo knows his drugs!  He has taken most of them!!

Sadly your plane has either crashed already or you are on a very steep descent.

Her is what your former life may have looked like up to needing to land you plane.  Enjoy...

Earlier in June, the BBC reported the results of a survey which showed that London has the highest concentration of cocaine in sewage of anywhere surveyed in Europe. On average, during the week of the survey, drug users in London relieved themselves of 737mg of cocaine per 1,000 people. Hearing this, I searched the net and it works out some folk in London are taking 1gm of coke per day! ‘And the rest’ my dear friend Rob would have said.  Sadly he died of heart disease in his prime but not before introducing me to ‘Torture Garden’ and the ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ side of London in 2001. I did imbibe and could easily have self-destructed but fortunately I saw the dangers and jumped ship. 

By the way, did you know one of the original recipes for Coca Cola contained ¼ gm of coke, per bottle?

Tonight I’m going to take you on a journey and I want you to imagine you’re the aeroplane – this’ll be easier for the right-brainers amongst you.  Here’s your daily plane journey – the one most of you take most days.

The alarm goes off. Are you fresh and alert or sluggish and tired?  Whatever state you are in, your plane (that’s you if you still hadn't worked it out) needs fuel to take off and fly. So, which of the top seven choices in Britain today do you use each morning to fuel your plane?

Maybe you snort a line of coke - the BBC news says it all.  Cup of tea and a fag (Vape these days) for me.  I am addicted and it annoys me. 

You could pop a Modafinal.  If the survey I’ve just mentioned had included all types of ‘rocket fuel’, then this would be second by a mile. This new ‘coke for the brain’ is now the drug of choice for many City traders, not to mention the whole of our university system. It’s estimated 20% of all university students have taken it.  Three clicks on the internet (it is legal to take by the way) and it arrives by first class post two days later. It is also used extensively by military and commercial airline pilots. 

Continuing the student theme, you could take the breakfast pill of the academic world – Sainsbury’s Max Strength Congestion Relief. This shot of almost pure adrenalin kick starts the day giving you confidence and zest. It’s easy to see why it’s banned in Athletics.  I’ve been to my local Sainsbury three times to try and find a packet; the first two visits they were sold out. News from the underworld says it’s being experimented with to make Crystal Meth.   Breaking Bad eat your heart out.

What about a Wetherspoons full English breakfast and a pint of Budweiser?  Personally, I love a Wetherspoons early in the morning. My surveying work takes me to many a strange high street at all times of the day.  I could give some long-winded surveyor speak about what I do but basically, I'm the bloke who puts the rent up.  Wetherspoons is one of my favourite early morning haunts.  I recently visited the one in Winchester when walking from the station to the High Street. What was really scary is how many pints of lager were being consumed at 9.30am. My acupuncturist, Jane, Nine Springs Yeovil, once said, 'Its good to get your shit out in the morning'!. 

Any guesses what’s our fifth option?  Correct – caffeine - the nearest legal alternative to coke.   Starbucks ‘Death Wish’ was, back in 2013, the world’s strongest coffee – though it may have been beaten now. 

According to their website, an average tall cup of Starbucks coffee has 160 mg of caffeine, which would mean that a 12 oz. cup of 'Death Wish Coffee' would hold 520 mg of caffeine. It got great reviews from customers but it sounds like a disguise for coke to me.  After all they both work in a similar way, signalling our minds to release dopamine and adrenaline to create a pleasant feeling and get our planes off the ground.

I went into Costa Coffee, Sherborne at 4pm last week and asked for a skinny cappuccino (and a muffin) to eat in, as you do, so I could read the Daily Truth or maybe an older Mail on Sunday that had been left behind.  The barista enquired to see if I would like to try their new blend of rocket fuel guaranteed their strongest to date.  Maybe not ‘Death Wish’ but one cup of that and I would be still awake at 2am.  I once had no coffee all day and this is what happened next;

The ex wife and I went to a wedding up North. We arrived Friday after a long day on the road with numerous caffeine fixes.  Saturday was champagne and orange juice for breakfast. We partied all day and I even hit the dance floor with my mum, as you do.  I was a light drinker in my 30’s and so went to bed sane and sober. It didn't even cross my mind that I had consumed no caffeine all day.  By 2am Sunday morning I was convinced I was having a brain haemorrhage. The pain was unbelievable; I really have never known anything quite like it. We hunted everywhere, even to the car park, to find some paracetamol.

It was bloody caffeine withdrawal. Please don’t try this at home, its serious cold turkey. He ho.

You could fuel up on sugar, sugar and more sugar, with a dollop of saturated fat to make it more interesting.  I remember ten years of lovingly walking into the “Canadian Muffin Company” on Islington High Street most mornings for my 500 cal muffin and a cappuccino.  Every high street has at least one cake shop tempting not just me but a high proportion of the population if the rise in diabetes is to be believed. There were 2.9 million people diagnosed with diabetes in the UK in 2011.  It is estimated the figure will increase to 5 million in the next ten years and will make it our single biggest killer.

I probably shouldn’t remind you now it’s too late but the main ingredient in alcohol is sugar.

And then there’s the rest depending on your preference - yoga, the gym, swimming or even walking your dog to wake up the endorphins and dopamine levels in your body.

Whatever fuel you choose your plane will take off (OK, the Wetherspoon lot are still on the ground) and you’re away on your daily flight path.  Autopilot on.  By 11 am your head will be starting to buzz and not from the turbulence. Your blood sugar levels will be falling as the breakfast binge wears off.  The solution is simple and quick; caffeine, sugar and some saturated fats to top you up until lunch.  Some have their second line of coke.

Lunch and time for a refuel to keep you on course.  Carbohydrates, saturated fats (for some a pint or yet another line) and after the initial high it will leave you beautifully sedated when you should be starting your afternoon shift. Just leave the autopilot on.

By 4pm our bodies are running low on everything.  Did you know that more chocolate is consumed between 4.30 and 6.30pm than in the rest of the day combined?  Add caffeine and sugar (or a line) to provide a timely boost to carry you over the threshold and finish work in a totally wired up state.  Modafinil has a 'half life' of 15 hours so if that's your fuel of choice you still have a while to go!

So, we’ve kept our plane up each day, it's now Friday, 6 pm and we begin our descent. Some of you will glide softly to the land and park for the weekend. You may go to the cinema, have a meal, yoga, a concert perhaps or even Friday night telly.  However, some of you will want to land, restock with some additional types of fuel and take off, back above the clouds. 

Many of you are still wired for sound and a few got the drug mix wrong. Some of you popped into the free in-flight Weatherspoons  for a ‘few’ G&T’s and god knows how many of those little wine things. If that was you, you’re not going to make the next trip as it’s largely alcohol-free. There’s a conundrum for you.

So back in the sky and alcohol free.  Those of you who insist on including alcohol will try to keep flying but slowly and surely you will crash.

But not without; ‘Something for the weekend’ first. As a lad I would visit my local barbers shop in Green Lanes, Featherstone for a short back and sides.  I was intrigued to hear the barber offer some of his customers, never me, ‘Something for the weekend?’ and slip a small packet into their top pocket.

Back to the planes. The Modafinil pilots and the coke crew still soaring as they would have stocked up with 'something for the weekend' before departure, but what other ‘somethings for the weekend’ might you get in the UK today?

How about Ecstasy, once described by Sir Lenny Henry as: ‘a drug so strong it makes white people think they can dance!’?

Interesting history, Ecstasy. MDMA (pure Ecstasy) was developed in Germany just prior to the First World War.  The US Military played with it as a truth drug in the 1950s before it gained a following as a counselling drug in California. It was first brought to Europe by the disciples of the Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (better known as Osho), the Indian guru who wanted  to show our society a healthier way to live.

His teachings have been described as uncompromisingly radical, anti-rational and capricious, inviting the individual to free his or herself from all the social conditioning: the only commitment is to be open and honest, to enjoy life, to love oneself.

I love his work and the Goddess and I have danced at many an Osho-inspired workshop.  We even studied tantric sex in Hawaii.

The UK banned MDMA in 1977 but clever chemists continued to re-invent the wheel and search for a legal alternative.  They still do. We now call them, inter alia, Legal Highs! Estimated 500,000 customers a week.

The government has proposed a Psychoactive Substances Bill, which would be applied to "any substance intended for human consumption that is capable of producing a psychoactive effect”. With studied hypocrisy (and fortunately for many) they have excluded alcohol, tobacco and caffeine!

Whatever happens next, the half million customers will still have a demand.  As any A Level economics student (not me, I was chucked out) will tell you, supply follows demand so supply will continue, but from an even dodgier source. It’s just daft.

Fancy something a little less strong?  How about Pro Plus? He ho, back to good old Caffeine. 80% of the world’s population drink caffeine so I assume many of you do too.

Back in 2012, the England players used caffeine tablets before an evening World Cup qualifier against Poland. Unfortunately the game was postponed after a torrential downpour shortly before kick-off so a large number of the players were awake most of the night ‘hot to trot’, high on caffeine.  By the time the game was replayed the following afternoon they were ready to crash not fly.

I took it many times before running out at Twickenham.

Red Bull make so much money selling you caffeine they even have a strap-line saying it'  'GIVES YOU WINGS'. Flying and wings makes sense.

Or there’s always music and sex.  As Bryan Ferry said ‘Love is a drug’. The dance floor raises the endorphins.  For men and women, sex raises testosterone levels.  Woman do have testosterone as well as oestrogen.  Mix it with the above and you’re flying or ‘sky dancing’ as it’s known in the tantric world.

Ohm Nama Shivia.

So, you’ve partied all weekend and now it's Sunday, you’re out of all types of fuel, reaching the end of your flying hours, yet needing food (oh yes I forgot about that one) and sleep.  You have about 18 hours, if you're lucky, before being back on the runway for work on Monday morning. And we still need to land the bloody plane. Probably should have thought of that on Friday instead of a weekend bender.  Still, it’s a job we can put off till next week. Does all this sound familiar?

Oh and back to the barber's shop as a lad.  Shortly after my hair being cut I found my mum in the street chatting to a friend.  I asked her; 'Mum what is a Rubber Johnny?'

My mum gave an answer that Freud would have loved. 'It's a policeman’s truncheon my love'. She patted my head, gave me two bob and told me to go buy an ice cream. No wonder I grew up confused about sex. He ho.

So, we need to land our plane. In times of stress and pain the body demands endorphins to relax and calm down.  After a 40 (more like 60 I hear) hour week and a family, or party, weekend in Brighton, one can be rather strung up by the time Sunday afternoon arrives. We need endorphins quickly so we can hit the runway and land.   How do we get them?

Here are my top 10.  The first six are produced naturally. The next three come courtesy of the pharmaceutical industry and the 10th is the elusive one.

1. Rape & Pillage

It’s a natural pain reliever: Used for millennia it was a bargaining tool in the Wars of the Roses. Sex causes increased production of oxytocin. Before orgasm, oxytocin, released from the brain, surges up to five times the normal level. This increase then leads to the release of endorphins, our natural pain-killing hormones. Perfect for soldiers after a hard day’s killing. Whilst sort of banned since World War II it hasn't stopped today’s recruitment campaigns reaching Facebook.

Not a plane I wish to land.

2. Rape no Pillage

It’s a stress reliever: The endorphins released during sexual intercourse and orgasm are natural mood-boosters and stress relievers. Recently released statistics regarding the number of rapes and sexual assaults per annum are quite staggering.

I am pleased to say this is not a method I have ever adopted despite many a ‘what happens on tour, stays on tour’ rugby match and overnight stays in Cardiff, Paris, Cape Town and Castleford.

Hey ho, Men need Sex 

3. Sex with a partner

It boosts immunity: According to the Mail on Sunday, endorphins released during intimacy have been found to stimulate immune system cells that fight disease, particularly in older men who were given the advice "Use it or lose it".

I've decided I quite like the Daily Mail. 

5. Sex with self - better than nothing but you miss out on a lot of fun and relaxation. Your sex drive is a basic human need.  It is the body’s natural pain killer, pleasure giver and provider of your life force energy.

A report in The Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality in 2002, found a 50 percent reduction in overall mortality in the group of men who said they had the most orgasms. So, having regular orgasms can increase your life span. An added health benefit is that you will both feel and look younger, for longer.’

Did you know the average time it takes a man to orgasm is 9m 42 seconds?  Aha, that’s why all the videos on RedTube are 10 minutes long.

A mate of mine (let’s call him Dave) thinks its bloody rubbish. He says he hasn’t ‘pleasured himself’ since his teens. I can believe him as he is currently cycling across the USA for his endorphin hit! And that’s my number 6.

Cycle across the USA with a bunch of blokes in lycra. Four hour shifts, while sleeping in a van seems to work for Dave.

Wikipedia even has an entry for it! MAMIL's - 'Middle-Aged Man in Lycra'. The term used to describe a middle aged man who; 'rides an expensive racing bicycle for leisure, wearing professional style body-hugging bicycle jerseys and bicycle shorts'. It works a treat and it’s far cheaper than a Porsche and a new woman 20 years your junior.

My old bike is rusting somewhere down the garden and I don’t own any Lycra.

However, for the sick, lame and lazy (or what PE teachers call the skivers queue) there are far easier and quicker ways to obtain endorphins and land the plane. 

Pharmaceuticals!

7. Tramadol

Tramadol works superbly, stimulating the release of endorphins. Co-Codamol [500-30] is a watered down version.  It was originally developed in Germany and launched in 1977. It was designed to be a better medication than opioids, such as heroin, codeine, and morphine for treating moderate to severe pain and it’s brilliant at 6 am, with a hangover and a train to catch.

I was first prescribed tramadol five years ago, after my first knee operation, then four years ago after my second knee operation (on the same knee), then three years ago after my first shoulder operation and again, twelve months ago, for my ruptured Plantaris [Achilles] tendon. Did you know the Plantaris tendon is the longest tendon (up to 18ins) in the body. It makes you run bloody fast - it’s from the caveman gene and is now absent in 10% of the population.

Tramadol is widely used to treat sports injuries, especially after surgery!  It’s also very good for landing tired planes  butit also gets you addicted and needing stronger opioids. Sadly, constipation is the main side effect.

8. Benzodiazepines

This little beauty is cool. Let’s call them lorazepam, diazepam or just plain old valium. Calms you down, lands the plane and off you go to sleep. However when mixed with alcohol this is pure space juice.  It was Whitney Huston’s favourite till she overdosed. Please don’t try it for landing the plane, you won't wake up! Find an Ecstasy vendor and you will find a Valium vendor.  It’s even called ‘landing gear’ in the trade.

I use valium for sleeping on planes, not landing them.

At no 9 we have alcohol. If all else fails its magic.  Guaranteed to land the plane and you choose the rate of descent.  What could be easier? The UK has 40 million users and 40,000 UK deaths each year and rising! And it’s legal!

Does your landing gear include alcohol?

I was chatting to Julie, a dear friend, this morning and she reminded me;

I once attended a family gathering in London; two cans of Stella on the train, two pints after calling in the office and one with my son just before entering Pizza Express Jazz Club, Dean Street Soho.  Halfway through my meal, washed down with loads of red wine, I get hiccups, really loud hiccups!  Drinking a glass of wine backwards doesn’t work! It also makes you look the drunken prat you are!  The band comes on, the hiccups are getting worse, and it’s all very embarrassing.  I sort of remember my children are escorting me into the street and taxi to my in-laws.

My plane crashed that night and the debris spread for miles.

Any of that sound familiar?

Finally, no 10. Meditation not Medication. Ohm Nama Shivia.

We could always ban all drugs, except the ones that make the government the most money in taxes.

So what’s the moral of this story?  We all have a plane to fly each day.  Make sure you choose the right fuel before take-off and don’t forget to check your landing gear.

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